I led a table at a seminar for parents on tackling screen time, organised by my local secondary school. For the first discussion, each of the ten parents at my table told a story to illustrate why we were there. We heard about ruined holidays, sexting, repeated arguments ripping apart families and young people who wander around their home fixed to their handheld games console. There was a shared sense of despair. I do not see much difference in stories from church families, although perhaps in church we are less honest about the size of the problem.
The data says that 91% of children in the UK have their own phone by the age of 11. More than half of children have seen porn by the age of 11. There has been a noticeable deterioration in mental health amongst teenage girls around the world since the arrival of Instagram. Nearly all social media channels need account holders to be 13, but the data says we find lying easier than patience.
The good news is that screens do not fall outside God’s good purposes. In fact, if we let God speak loudest in the problems, then one day we will thank him for the opportunities tech gave us. If that is to happen, there will need to be calm conversations, plenty of listening, less shouting, fewer arbitrary rules and more determined prayer.
If you have younger children, in many ways (and I take no pleasure in saying this), your child’s screen habits say more about you than your children. My children are learning their priorities and their habits from me. They see how I unwind, how I fidget and how I behave when I am around others. They notice what I do when I am bored or tired.
If your children are over 11, here is one approach. Have a conversation with your child or with your whole family. Start with some nonsense so everyone can relax. Ask them what they think about screens, apps, Wi-Fi, social media, gaming or screen time limits (delete as applicable). Keep asking open questions until they talk. Resist the urge to interrupt their foolishness or to answer all their questions. Just listen. Put yourself in their shoes. Try to discern what is happening in their heart. What is driving their behaviour? What are they afraid of? What do they love? Finish by asking them, ‘What Would You Do?’ You’re asking them to step outside of their selfish desire to get exactly what they want and to consider what the better way forward would be. If they were the parent, what would they decide? You are asking them to grapple with the fact that your love for them means not giving them whatever they want but finding the godly way forward for them. Then say you will return to the conversation in the coming days with a decision. Give everyone time to reflect. Finish by praying.
You and I both wish that I had a paragraph where I tell you exactly what to decide, how to explain it and how to ensure that everyone keeps to the new guidelines. I don’t. Because your children need you not me. Actually, your children most need you to offer them Christ as the solution to the problem of bad tech (and bad hearts).
Ed Drew – Director, Faith in Kids.
A longer version of this article appeared in the May 2024 edition of Evangelicals Now.
